musicland funnies

This is courtesy of Andrej Saradin of the Toronto Hot 5 Jazzmakers who emailed it to me:
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Pianists:
Pianists are intellectuals and know-it-alls. They studied theory, harmony and composition in college. Most are riddled with self-doubt They are often bald. They should have big hands, but often don't. They were social rejects as adolescents. They go home after the gig and play with their computers. Usually easy-going, pianists have a special love-hate relationship with singers. If you try to talk to the piano player during a break, he will sometimes condescend.

Bass Players:
Bassists are not terribly smart. The best bassists come to terms with their limitations by playing simple lines and rarely soloing. During the better musical moments, a bassist will pull his strings hard and grunt like an animal. Bass players are built big, with paws for hands, and they are always bent over awkwardly. If you talk to the bassist during a break, you will not be able to tell whether or not he's listening.

Drummers:
Drummers are radical. Specific personalities vary, but are always extreme. A drummer might be the funniest person in the world, or the most psychotic. Drummers are often moody because of the many jokes about them, most of which stem from the fact that they aren't really musicians. Don't make jokes about drummers while they are setting up - they may walk off the gig without any explaination. Most drummers are highly excitable; when excited, they play louder. If you decide to talk to the drummer during a break, tell him how well he is playing and make sure you don't mention Baby Dodds.


Clarinets and Saxophones:
Think they are the most important players on stage. Consequently, they are temperamental and territorial. They know all the George Lewis and Johnny Dodds licks but have their own sound, a mixture of Lewis and Dodds.They take exceptionally long solos, which reach a peak halfway through but they forget that there are other musicians waiting to take a solo and just don't stop. They practice quietly but audibly while other people are trying to play. Reed players sometimes forget to shower and are obsessed with their instruments - usually taking them to bed in preference to their spouses/ girl or boy friends. If you talk to a clarinetist/saxophonist during a break, they will usually blame their tone on their reeds.

Trumpeters:
Trumpet players are image-conscious and walk with a swagger. Trumpet players are very attractive to women, despite the strange indentation on their lips. Many of them sing - misguided critics compare them to either Louis Armstrong or Chet Baker depending whether they're black or white. They arrive at the session early, and you may get to witness the special trumpet game. The rules are: play as loud and as high as possible. The winner is the one who plays loudest and highest. If you talk to a trumpet player during a break, he might confess that his favorite player is Maynard Ferguson, the merciless God of loud-high trumpeting.

Guitarists/banjo players:
They are never very happy. Deep inside they want to be rock stars, but they're old and overweight. In protest, they wear their hair long, drink a lot, and play too loud. They hate piano players because they can hit ten notes at once, but they make up for it by playing as fast as they can. The more they drink, the higher they turn their amps. Then the drummer starts to play harder, and the trumpeter dips into his loud/high arsenal. Suddenly, the saxophonist's universe crumbles, because he is no longer the most important player on stage. He packs up his horn, nicks his best reed in haste, and storms out of the room. The pianist struggles to suppress a laugh. If you talk to a banjo/uitarist during the break he'll ask intimate questions about your 14-year-old sister.

Trombonists:
The trombone is known for its pleading, voice-like quality. "Listen," it seems to say in the male tenor range, "Why won't anybody hire me for a gig?" Trombonists like to play fast, because their notes become indistinguishable and thus immune to criticism. Most trombonists played trumpet in their early years, then decided they didn't want to walk around with a strange indentation on their lips. Now they hate trumpet players, who somehow get all the women despite this disfigurement. Trombonists are usually tall and lean, with forlorn faces. They don't eat much. They have to be very friendly, because nobody really needs a trombonist. Talk to a trombonist during a break and he'll ask you for a gig, try to sell you insurance, or offer to mow your lawn.

Tuba Players:
Tuba players are invariably short & stocky - normally weighing about 300 pounds. Their neck is permanently twisted - thanks to years of battling with their instrument. When they aren't sure of the chords of a tune, they will switch to string bass so that their mistakes will go unheard.

Vocalists:
Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians' capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surreptitiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as "...jazzy." Viola! A star is born! Quickly she learns "My Funny Valentine," and "Summertime," Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of musical terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe. The vocalist will try to seduce you--and the rest of the audience-- by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, make your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her "manager."